FOR ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THAT WE DID WRONG! 1
(Love and all its Drugs)
I sit at the balcony to a house that has been home for five years now and notice the rocks that cover the distance. They stood silent, vague as the cloud ascended to reveal their darkness; some days when I feel lonely, I’d go atop the rocks and sit, looking quietly unto the world under me.
From atop the hill, all you see is the restlessness, the rush of buildings, cars and people who walk and work till they cannot understand what makes them what they are. The roofs are colored in the same dearth that holds everyone, they fear the thought of really living, they wither and rust and as the rust comes, they slowly lose their one true moment. They lose their ability to be a refuge and see the need for change. It is the same with people except we do not rust, we grow, older and wiser until we come back as the sun sets on the life we have lived and we realize with all that we have, that the life we had so much invested in was not what it could have been, it was like that rusted zinc because we could not love enough.
I am at the balcony because I could not sleep again, not because I am an insomniac but because I was thinking about her again. Each night the same sequence plays into my mind, the same riveting moment as I stood alone, a stranger in a new school, feeling the warm air as it passed gently through my sweaty body, the view was a sunny glare, mixed with a lot of strangers walking in different dimensions, and I stood in it, alone listening to all the voices, waiting restlessly for a face I could recognize. And as I waited, the moment came, right in front of me across the road was a sight so inspired, I stared without my wits; it is this sight I remember each night. The warm smile that not only illuminated the scene but was immersed in it, the beautiful demeanor that not only got my eyes but engage my thought and then there was the beauty, too hard to put into simple words, right across my eyes just ten metres away. Yet she was a stranger then.
What sounds fascinatingly odd is the weird feeling that even though we are not strangers now, the distance remains as measured as it ever was, constantly nagging across my mind like a bad daydream.
You see, I feel like the rusty roof, constantly afraid that I’d never understand the depths that others reach when they hold the dearest thing they could get. But somewhere in here I find my reality burdened with a fear. Right now I can make up all these imaginations of what loving her would be like, what staring at the sunset during warm evenings would be like with my arms wrapped around her shoulders as I sing and recite all the typical love clichés that I know, I wonder how I will feel as I make a lame joke and she giggles, and I giggle and we become so lost in the moment that we have no need for reality.
But that is what love drives at, we become so lost in the imagination we forget the reality; we cleave unto the illusion because the truth scares all that we want. And somehow like me, every one becomes a prisoner of this want that we have.
The clouds darken now as I sit quietly, neither scared nor excited about the coming rains. The loneliness feels like a drug filled dome; yet my drug was love, a love unanswered, untouched. But what if love was that one right thing that I did wrong, or maybe loving her was the right thing that I did wrong.
Until the darkening clouds clear all the uncertainty from my eyes, I’d be lost in this fog of feelings, a constant journey man who travels a fixed point. a rotating axis to the journey of her eyes. I guess it was my heart that spoke when I wrote my short poem, scribbled on my wall to read every day. It said:
To all the right things that I did wrong
And all the favorite songs we did not get to sing
And all the moments we threw away
To those moments that felt so deep
Yet shallow when we tried to swim
For all the feelings we locked inside
Afraid that they will not be answered
And all the times I looked still,
And believed you were heaven sent
For all this right things that I have done wrong
I hope you got to see
For I am still right here without you
And it still feels lonely.
The story continues!